The Mothman Prophecies by Dave

Writers: Richard Hatem, John A. Keel
Director: Mark Pellington
Starring: Richard Gere & Debra Messing
Length: 119 Minutes

Disclaimer: I ain't even gonna lie, I didn't watch every second of the The Mothman Prophecies. But please believe me when I tell you, I tried - more than once. But in the tradition of the producers of Mothman, I failed. I couldn't do it in one sitting, or while sitting for that matter. I watched Mothman over a couple of days, in several pieces, and in various states of undress. I will tell you however that I did hear the vast majority of it, and saw a lot of it. But in the end, I just could not sit through this coma inducer in it's entirety, even for my beloved website. On the plus side, I did do some dusting, folded a couple of loads of towels, texted back and forth with a fairly attrative gal, and got a couple of good solid naps out of the deal, so you know, it wasn't a total loss. But enough about me, let's get on with the review, I'm ready to put this chapter of my life behind me.

Where to start? Ever seen an episode of the children's TV show Goosebumps? Well if so, you've seen something infinitely more terrifying and inarguably more interesting than The Mothman Prophecies. And sadly, I'm not exaggerating. Mothman is a train wreck. No, let me rephrase that, as an actual train wreck could potentially be interesting. Mothman is like a train that keeps you sitting at a railroad crossing for an hour and forty-five minutes, only to be rewarded at the end by the guy in the caboose holding a sparkler out the window.

While watching the minutes tick away on the Blu-ray player's read out, I checked my pulse a couple of times to keep myself entertained. But around about the 40 minute marker while experiencing a really excellent resting heart rate, I realized that the scariest thing I had seen so far was a guy with a really nasty case of conjunctivitis (or "pink eye" if you will). And all I had learned about the Mothman was that he preferred calling his victims on the phone and making annoying sounds, to actually showing up and scaring the sh*t out of them, which is what I would do if I were a Mothman.

I think it was around the same point that I realized that Mothman was better suited for either of the splintered Mystery Science Theater 3000 camps than for anyone looking for a scare. I had already been tempted to start mocking it mind you, but I resisited, thinking that maybe, just maybe, Mothman might go somewhere. Plus, once I start mocking, I can't stop. But I could resist no longer. The switch had been flipped. I stopped looking for anything resembling a horror film, or even a thriller for that matter, and began enjoying Mothman for what it truly is...an unintentional comedy.

And as a comedy, Mothman is a pretty good movie. Funnier by several orders of magnitude than say Superbad, I Love You Man, or any of the other pieces of sh*t dropped by Judd Apatow and his cronies. (What happened to that guy by the way, from "Freaks and Geeks" to Knocked Up?) I honestly laughed out loud numerous times during the last half of "Mothman", including several times during the big climax. There is so much about Mothman I'd like to address, but I kind of signed this "blood oath" legal agreement type of thing which disallows spoilers in my reviews. I might have to rethink that down the road. If only I could figure out how to fool Scratch into reversing the contract. Hmm? Perhaps a duel on the old six string? Worked for Macchio.

Well, you get the drift - Mothman sucks, and I don't want anyone else to waste 2 hours of their life on it. So as a service to you, our faithful readers, I've created this short quiz to help you decide if Mothman is right for you and your loved ones.

Do you find any of the following interesting and/or scary? Heavy breathing (not that kind), incessant phone calls, bad drawings, Chapstick®, a reanimated Debra Messing with a nappy perm (Ok, I'll admit, that was a little scary), or cassette tapes? If so, you should find The Mothman Prophecies to be a worthy horror film. If not, you're sane, and will probably end up napping, having a good laugh, or taking the disc out and setting fire to it.

1 out of 5

NEW RATING CATEGORY! MOCKABILITY LEVEL +10