crookedmanCarver by Dave

Writer: I'm going to guess there wasn't one.
Director: Don't care enough to look it up.
Starring: Stars?
Length: Even fast-forwarding at 4x, far too long.


Help! Please somebody help me! There's a human marshmallow in welding goggles waddling very, very, very slowly after me. Oh god no, it's..."CARVER"!

Oh god no is right...

Apparently shot on a very cheap handy cam over the course of a couple of days, "Carver" is a perfect example of why parents should discourage their children from pursuing their dreams. Because for the most part, they will never - and should never come true. Please excuse me for a second.

Parents, it could be an interchange as simple as this.

Child: But Mommy and/or Daddy I really, really want to be an actor.
You: I/We know you do baby, but you suck. And you don't have the kind of face people want to look at for extended periods of time, especially not being projected up on a 40 foot screen.

See, that conversation applied to 8 or 9 children could have saved us all from "Carver". And this conversation...

Blondie: But But Mommy and/or Daddy I really, really want to be an actor.
Blondie's Parent: I/We know you do baby, but you suck. You do however have a body that was pretty much built for porn. So there's that.

...could have sent Blondie (the chick in the boy-shorts - I'm getting there) down a much more suitable path.

OK, back to the review. "Carver" is one of the worst pieces of media I have ever had the misfortune of exposing my senses to. I'm not just talking movies here - media, period. I've found more interesting Chinese Food menus hanging on my front door. So I can only think of two reasons that anyone would watch it:

A. You are related to someone who helped push it out of the anal spout.
B. This is the only way you'll ever have a hot chick in boy-shorts running around in your living room.

And for me, thankfully, neither is true. So I only watched the first 5 or 6 minutes of this made for Community College film class piece of sh*t at 1x, and the next 80 minutes or so at 4x. Bringing the total amount of my life wasted to just under 15 minutes. Add to that the 10 to 12 minutes spent writing this review, and I'm still in for less than half an hour. I did stop fast forwarding a couple of times to watch the 300 + pound killer "stalk" his victims while wearing his "Anakin at the pod races" inspired helmet. And I must admit that did provide a slight bit of entertainment. But again, not enough to justify the time invested.

So if you are unfortunate enough to have a family-tie to this pile of sh*t, or are just really desperate when it comes to the ladies, I would suggest you get totally drunk, take any prescription med...(This portion of Dave's suggestion has been omitted by the SOT legal department - Editor) ...and I mean ever, because it really is a terrible, terrible piece of sh*t.

5skulls

5 skulls 1 out of 5... and I had to physically force myself to press the 1 key.



"They discover a horror film." Why couldn't we have seen that one instead?
PLEASE DO NOT WATCH "CARVER"!